After learning a huge life lesson, I always find myself with a profound sense of contentment, like I just conquered a mountain and I am able look out over everything I have climbed and see from a view I never had before- a view where everything makes sense. I am thankful for those moments, but I know in the same breath that life is mostly lived in the valleys and on the climb...but it's in those moments on the mountaintops, I think, "Man, God, what else do you have to teach me? What's coming next?" In those moments, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will be descending that mountain and embarking on new lessons that are awaiting me. Now, I am only 27 and I feel like I have already learned a lot, but it's just the beginning and there are mountains surrounding me on all sides- and it's a good thing because I want to learn. I never want to stop learning. I am being molded and transformed. And when I pray for transformation how silly am I to think that that would be an easy process. Transformation is a painful and intricate process. It takes time and hard work. So when I say I want to learn and I want to be transformed, I need to also know fully that I am asking for challenges, painful conversations, difficult choices. In a year I will look back and won't be able to recognize this heart that is being shaped and then five years from now, and then 20 years...what will I be like? I can't even imagine. Hallelujah that you are faithful in the transformation process and that you promise to never let anything go incomplete. The work that you start will be completed in us. You remain steadfast in the transformation process.
The more I live, the more I accept the gray.
The more I live, the more I know I don't know.
Instead of rejecting the dark, confusing and scary things I am learning to press into those things because there are great treasures. Gray doesn't feel good, but it's exactly where we are shaped, slowly. It's where the quiet work of the Holy Spirit is weaving together something within us that we can't see. This gray is frustrating for us humans who want to see results and reach the end before we even start. I feel my anxious heart want to rush and avoid every ounce of pain I can. But I wonder if I am missing more than just the joy when I dodge the gray. I think I a missing great wisdom, great love and great joy.
On my darkest days, I feel alive, eyes wide, ready to flee, shocked by the pain. On my brightest days, I also feel alive and wide awake to the joy. It's on the in between days, the days that I fly through almost not even realizing that I am living. I want to do the hard work of pushing into the confusion and the gray and discover a new wisdom I usually am too afraid to reach for. It's on those gray days I know without a doubt that God is silently, powerfully weaving something within me to one day be revealed. He is a mysterious God and I don't understand how He works most of the time. He is also a good Father and I can trust that in the gray, He is near and He is doing something.
"We want black and white answers, but often that is just because we are lazy and not willing to do the work of discernment."
I am weary from the restless heart inside of me
I never care about believing till I see I lost my way
And then my troubles all around me and all that I can say,
See me through another day cause the devils calling
I need a place to hide away, from the storm
When the waters rising, when the sun don't shine
I need a place to hide away and some peace tonight
Found out life was complicated, more gray than black and white
Sometimes I wanna follow Jesus but sometimes He's hard to find
I never care about believing till I see I lost my way
And then my troubles all around me and all that I can say,
See me through another day cause the devils calling
I need a place to hide away, from the storm
When the waters rising, when the sun don't shine
I need a place to hide away and some peace tonight
Found out life was complicated, more gray than black and white
Sometimes I wanna follow Jesus but sometimes He's hard to find
"I love borders. August is the border between summer and autumn; it's the most beautiful month I know. Twilight is the border between day and night, and the shore is the border between sea and land. The border is longing: when both have fallen in love but still haven't said anything. The border is to be on the way. It is the way that is the most important thing.” - Tove Jansson
I pray for wisdom. I want to be a wise woman. Built on truth as I live out my 20s, 30s, and for the rest of my time on earth. I don't want to just live for the mountain tops. I want to live as I am climbing, descending, and climbing again. As I live in the gray I pray my eyes are wide open and that I let the mundane, the normalcy not become too
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