Until this year, I never realized how clearly my life mimics the seasons and the calendar year. I don't know how it has worked this way, but about 4 times a year I feel a page turning in my heart. I have grown so used to this change and love the clean slate that I feel as I turn these pages. The seasons give me room to breathe, stretch and allow my life to freely change. Sometimes I crave that change so badly and other times I have resisted it. I know this August I fought the change that came with September and I held onto my summer season for as long as I could. The same was true this fall as December started. I didn't want my fall to fade and change so quickly. However these changes that happened at the end of summer and fall this year for me were profound and so needed.
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I am a visionary. I love dreaming, setting goals and working towards something. I love the struggle and the process. I think the journey and story that comes from that is one of the most beautiful treasures we are given as human beings and one that a lot of people miss because we are always just longing for the end. As this year wrapped up, I was dreaming, asking and searching for what was next. For the past three years the Lord has been so faithful in giving me a word to focus on. In 2014: adventure. In 2015 I had two: vulnerability and bravery. And this past year it was courage. I can't even tell you how important the word --courage-- was for me the past 365 days. Even though 2016 is done, I know that this word has marked my life forever and will always be a part of me. It has become one of my life pillars and something I strive for and am so attracted to in others. Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficult. What an incredible mindset to have. I learned a ton about courage this year. I fought for courage when the enemy discouraged me. I made courageous decision for myself when I wanted to give into the world's idea of what was best for me. I drew boundaries and kept them. I dove heart first into relationships and new journeys-- fearful but willing. I reminded others of the courage that was inside of them too. This is just the start, but I have story after story after story of moments filled with courage. A dear friend gifted me a painting of a lion and it is the focal point of my room right now because when I look at it's fading face, it whispers, "Courage, dear heart." And I take heart. Courage wells up in my heart. Courage is terrifying and it will break your heart when you choose it. It will make you feel so vulnerable and you will question why you chose it in the first place. But as I fought through that every day and I knew courage was always the right thing. Making courageous decisions is the best, even if it scares you to death, it's so worth it. Courage breathes life into our souls and calls us to be who we were intended to be- beautiful warriors that are worthy.
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I have also fallen in love with the rhythm of the church calendar and how the different traditions call us to create sacred space and time to be with Jesus. Lent, love it. Advent- yes! Pentacost- Come, Holy Spirit, come! I grew up in a fairly conservative Lutheran church. I sang out of the LBW every Sunday, sat with my mom as she played piano in the church balcony, stuffed bulletins with my dad and was enveloped in the church calendar. I had ZERO clue back then that this rhythm is ultimately intended to keep us close to the Lord's heart. I went through many seasons of resistance to this- as most millennial Christians have- because I wanted freedom and to experience God in a certain "right" way, on my terms and create Him to be a god that I was most comfortable with. In the past two years I have seen the sacredness and beauty that comes from this rhythm and structure. I feel myself longing for that- something so rich with history and purpose. Take confession for example. It's something I thought was ridiculous. I thought it was a guilt box where you would tell someone you barely even knew your darkest secrets. It made no sense to me, but now I think it's incredibly needed and something incredibly resisted because we are not okay with not being okay. We are too arrogant and too independent to say who we truly are, to show up broken and battered, to ask for forgiveness and a fresh start. I don't live a life of confession like I would like to, but it's something I do want to work towards. Baby steps. Confession is just one aspect, but it's something that should be normal in the church and a rhythm that we live by so we may heal. Advent is another one of those rhythms that has been so beautifully woven into the church calendar, a moment to prepare our hearts from the Messiah's coming. Just a few days before Christmas this year, at the end of advent, I was driving to meet a friend for a waffle dinner (because that's what you do with cool friends) and I felt a huge wave of stillness rush over me and the thought "I missed it..." came over me. It was true. I had missed it-- the whole season that was supposed to prepare my heart for my Savior's coming to be with me. I was way too distracted, too much running, too much everything. My heart sank. My next thought- the next four days I want to be still and I did. I got sick and couldn't move, I sat with Jesus and let Him enter my heart, my mind, my schedule. I missed the sacredness of the whole advent season, but Jesus was so present in those four days and I was astounded at what He did in that time...and it continued with the beginning of the new year. Here is my first journal entry from 2017:
"...And here we are at another new beginning, a new chapter, new everything. I love the new year and how my life really mimics the seasons and weather. The stillness and chill of the winter feels like me right now. My soul feels at rest and my emotions feel actually STILL which I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for the growth and strength that has come this year. I was bracing myself for the spiral this end of the year, but it never came. Instead of discouraged, lonely and sad I felt really full, courageous and surrounded. Thank you for building strength in my heart over the past year, it's pretty incredible considering where I have been. Your Spirit is so alive and has brought freedom to a place where I had been so chained. I look ahead with wonder and still lots of uncertainty. I can't even guess what is going to unfold in the months ahead, I have no idea who will be surrounding me and where my feet will be planted. I am believing that to be a really good thing and trusting in Your love and grace to carry me. 2016 ended in such a perfect way. A relationship ending, getting sick, a break from school, focus on the family, and LESS of everything. The purge that happened was just what I needed to have happen and that can definitely continue as I move forward. I want less so that I know how much I really have. I was less so I see how good the good is. I want less so I am actually capable of receiving the gifts I know you want to give me. I don't want my life so full that I look at you and say-- sorry I can't hold anything else-- You have good ahead of me, I know my future is secure in your hands which allows me to live PRESENT in my days now. I am beyond thrilled for 2017 and what will unfold. I know I will not be the same tomorrow and definitely not as this year ends too. I am so excited about the word you gave me...light..."
So I drove home from waffles with my dear friend, opened up my journal and just started to write. I wrote freely without agenda and as I wrote I listened to the Brilliance. The song, "May You Find A Light" came up and each time the word "light" was sang I felt my heart beat harder. After multiple times of this I set down my pen and just listened. This sounds so crazy, but I said out loud, "Jesus, is that You?" and although I didn't get an audible response, I got something even more clear-- joy welled up in my heart and I just started laughing. The laughter turned into tears of joy. Lots of tears. Light. Light. Light. The LORD gave me my word that night- light was my word. I began to write about this word. What could LIGHT mean for me? Well, a lot came to mind that night and as I share this word with other people, I have gained so many insights into the meaning of the word and it is carrying me through my days. I definitely feel lighter, brighter and really strong. I am so grateful.
Light: the opposite of heavy. I want to lay down my burdens and carry the LORD's light and easy burden. I want less stress, overanalyzing, worry, impatience. All the heaviness I carry, I want to give up.
Light: exposure, reveal; I know this year things need to come into the light that have just been sitting with me in the dark. I am terrified, but beyond ready to let my life be trust and to live fully in the light.
Light: is color, it is vibrant. Light draws your attention and cannot be overcome with darkness. In a room that is pitch black- you won't notice the darkness with one light shining. I want that. I don't want to be overcome with darkness, negativity, circumstance, but I want to live positively, eternally, passionately this year. It feels like who I was created to be.
Light: I am the light of the world- Matthew 5:14-16; I want to live this out and be the light of Christ, I want each and everyone person who I interact with to feel LIGHT and happy and more like who they were created to be. I want kindness and gentleness and pure joy to exude from my life- actions and words. I want to be a light!
Light- what comes to your mind?
-
I am a visionary. I love dreaming, setting goals and working towards something. I love the struggle and the process. I think the journey and story that comes from that is one of the most beautiful treasures we are given as human beings and one that a lot of people miss because we are always just longing for the end. As this year wrapped up, I was dreaming, asking and searching for what was next. For the past three years the Lord has been so faithful in giving me a word to focus on. In 2014: adventure. In 2015 I had two: vulnerability and bravery. And this past year it was courage. I can't even tell you how important the word --courage-- was for me the past 365 days. Even though 2016 is done, I know that this word has marked my life forever and will always be a part of me. It has become one of my life pillars and something I strive for and am so attracted to in others. Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficult. What an incredible mindset to have. I learned a ton about courage this year. I fought for courage when the enemy discouraged me. I made courageous decision for myself when I wanted to give into the world's idea of what was best for me. I drew boundaries and kept them. I dove heart first into relationships and new journeys-- fearful but willing. I reminded others of the courage that was inside of them too. This is just the start, but I have story after story after story of moments filled with courage. A dear friend gifted me a painting of a lion and it is the focal point of my room right now because when I look at it's fading face, it whispers, "Courage, dear heart." And I take heart. Courage wells up in my heart. Courage is terrifying and it will break your heart when you choose it. It will make you feel so vulnerable and you will question why you chose it in the first place. But as I fought through that every day and I knew courage was always the right thing. Making courageous decisions is the best, even if it scares you to death, it's so worth it. Courage breathes life into our souls and calls us to be who we were intended to be- beautiful warriors that are worthy.
-
I have also fallen in love with the rhythm of the church calendar and how the different traditions call us to create sacred space and time to be with Jesus. Lent, love it. Advent- yes! Pentacost- Come, Holy Spirit, come! I grew up in a fairly conservative Lutheran church. I sang out of the LBW every Sunday, sat with my mom as she played piano in the church balcony, stuffed bulletins with my dad and was enveloped in the church calendar. I had ZERO clue back then that this rhythm is ultimately intended to keep us close to the Lord's heart. I went through many seasons of resistance to this- as most millennial Christians have- because I wanted freedom and to experience God in a certain "right" way, on my terms and create Him to be a god that I was most comfortable with. In the past two years I have seen the sacredness and beauty that comes from this rhythm and structure. I feel myself longing for that- something so rich with history and purpose. Take confession for example. It's something I thought was ridiculous. I thought it was a guilt box where you would tell someone you barely even knew your darkest secrets. It made no sense to me, but now I think it's incredibly needed and something incredibly resisted because we are not okay with not being okay. We are too arrogant and too independent to say who we truly are, to show up broken and battered, to ask for forgiveness and a fresh start. I don't live a life of confession like I would like to, but it's something I do want to work towards. Baby steps. Confession is just one aspect, but it's something that should be normal in the church and a rhythm that we live by so we may heal. Advent is another one of those rhythms that has been so beautifully woven into the church calendar, a moment to prepare our hearts from the Messiah's coming. Just a few days before Christmas this year, at the end of advent, I was driving to meet a friend for a waffle dinner (because that's what you do with cool friends) and I felt a huge wave of stillness rush over me and the thought "I missed it..." came over me. It was true. I had missed it-- the whole season that was supposed to prepare my heart for my Savior's coming to be with me. I was way too distracted, too much running, too much everything. My heart sank. My next thought- the next four days I want to be still and I did. I got sick and couldn't move, I sat with Jesus and let Him enter my heart, my mind, my schedule. I missed the sacredness of the whole advent season, but Jesus was so present in those four days and I was astounded at what He did in that time...and it continued with the beginning of the new year. Here is my first journal entry from 2017:
"...And here we are at another new beginning, a new chapter, new everything. I love the new year and how my life really mimics the seasons and weather. The stillness and chill of the winter feels like me right now. My soul feels at rest and my emotions feel actually STILL which I am so grateful for. I am so grateful for the growth and strength that has come this year. I was bracing myself for the spiral this end of the year, but it never came. Instead of discouraged, lonely and sad I felt really full, courageous and surrounded. Thank you for building strength in my heart over the past year, it's pretty incredible considering where I have been. Your Spirit is so alive and has brought freedom to a place where I had been so chained. I look ahead with wonder and still lots of uncertainty. I can't even guess what is going to unfold in the months ahead, I have no idea who will be surrounding me and where my feet will be planted. I am believing that to be a really good thing and trusting in Your love and grace to carry me. 2016 ended in such a perfect way. A relationship ending, getting sick, a break from school, focus on the family, and LESS of everything. The purge that happened was just what I needed to have happen and that can definitely continue as I move forward. I want less so that I know how much I really have. I was less so I see how good the good is. I want less so I am actually capable of receiving the gifts I know you want to give me. I don't want my life so full that I look at you and say-- sorry I can't hold anything else-- You have good ahead of me, I know my future is secure in your hands which allows me to live PRESENT in my days now. I am beyond thrilled for 2017 and what will unfold. I know I will not be the same tomorrow and definitely not as this year ends too. I am so excited about the word you gave me...light..."
So I drove home from waffles with my dear friend, opened up my journal and just started to write. I wrote freely without agenda and as I wrote I listened to the Brilliance. The song, "May You Find A Light" came up and each time the word "light" was sang I felt my heart beat harder. After multiple times of this I set down my pen and just listened. This sounds so crazy, but I said out loud, "Jesus, is that You?" and although I didn't get an audible response, I got something even more clear-- joy welled up in my heart and I just started laughing. The laughter turned into tears of joy. Lots of tears. Light. Light. Light. The LORD gave me my word that night- light was my word. I began to write about this word. What could LIGHT mean for me? Well, a lot came to mind that night and as I share this word with other people, I have gained so many insights into the meaning of the word and it is carrying me through my days. I definitely feel lighter, brighter and really strong. I am so grateful.
Light: the opposite of heavy. I want to lay down my burdens and carry the LORD's light and easy burden. I want less stress, overanalyzing, worry, impatience. All the heaviness I carry, I want to give up.
Light: exposure, reveal; I know this year things need to come into the light that have just been sitting with me in the dark. I am terrified, but beyond ready to let my life be trust and to live fully in the light.
Light: is color, it is vibrant. Light draws your attention and cannot be overcome with darkness. In a room that is pitch black- you won't notice the darkness with one light shining. I want that. I don't want to be overcome with darkness, negativity, circumstance, but I want to live positively, eternally, passionately this year. It feels like who I was created to be.
Light: I am the light of the world- Matthew 5:14-16; I want to live this out and be the light of Christ, I want each and everyone person who I interact with to feel LIGHT and happy and more like who they were created to be. I want kindness and gentleness and pure joy to exude from my life- actions and words. I want to be a light!
Light- what comes to your mind?
This was the song that inspired this word, this theme, this dream for my year.
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